Top 10 Scary Mistakes Parents Make

AcademicAlly, LLC: October 23, 2024

In the fourth and final edition of our series about scary mistakes, we thought it would be helpful to explore common mistakes parents make. We hope this post provides you with some light with which to brighten your dark and stormy night sky!

Let’s face it, parents frequently have the best of intentions when it comes to their kids. At the end of the day, all we want is for our children to be safe, healthy, and happy.  As a parent, your first priority is to ensure the first of these two objectives. Happiness is not always guaranteed just because our kids are healthy and safe-in fact, these objectives often run in contrast to one another! But we don’t always get it right, in fact, despite the best of intentions, we frequently get it very wrong. We’re not perfect. (Sorry, I hate to burst your bubble.) But we sure do work hard to reach that level, don’t we?

When we fail perfection, the results can be downright frightening. All is not lost! Here are some suggestions to eliminate some of your household terror:

1. Over-Involvement or Helicopter Parenting: many of you have heard me say it for a while: the best type of parenting is submarine parenting. You keep your kids on your radar screen, paying attention to things like grades, due dates, schedules, etc. However, you do not pop up above water unless you detect certain trouble, or your child asks you for assistance. Your kids need to learn about making mistakes. They must figure out how to navigate their way through difficult situations on their own. Not only do they learn problem-solving skills, but they build confidence because they see that they are capable of solving a problem themselves.

2. Underestimating the Importance of Emotional Support: the twenty-first century is creating a new level of awareness when it comes to the importance of emotional well-being and support. Families are having more frequent and candid conversations about mental illness and treatment. Too often the focus can be on academic success, which can overshadow how your kid is doing emotionally. Check in with your children: what were the highlights of a given day? What disappointed them? What are they following in the news? What are they excited about this week? How are their friends? The answers to these questions can shed a lot of light on how your children are doing, what they are concerned about, etc. Having these conversations will help them to build trust with you and strengthen communication between the two of you.

3. Setting Unrealistic Expectations: I frequently speak with my students about setting goals, and one of the most important parts of that conversation is the importance of identifying realistic goals. While we may have the best of intentions at the outset, lofty aspirations tend to lead to disappointment and self-defeat. This principle is applicable to the expectations parents have for their children. What we envision for our children is not always possible, nor is it what they see for themselves. The latter is not necessarily terrible. Sometimes what’s important to parents does not match that of their children. It only becomes problematic when this disconnect leads to tension, undue stress, low self-esteem, and strained parent-child relationships. Encourage conversation about expectations, goals, and visions for the future. Talk about this from a standpoint of curiosity and possibility as opposed to what must be.

4. Ignoring Signs of Struggle: a parent’s intuition is one of the most powerful forces. We know when something is troubling our children. When we take our eyes off the radar screen, that’s when we are more likely to miss signs of trouble. Now this is not to say you need to jump at every sign of difficulty. As we mentioned earlier, it is important for our children to learn how to problem solve on their own. Signs of struggle include: dramatic changes in behavior, appearance, and academic performance; changes in friend groups; and a loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed. Check in with your children and engage from a point of concern. Do not make accusations, rather make statements that begin with “I wonder…” (“I wonder what changed about your friends that you are spending less time with them?”) These types of communication will give your child a sense of agency about what they share with you. They can render helpful information that will then empower you to help your child.

5. Comparing Their Child to Others: It’s only natural to compare our children to each other and to other children. Our kids are frequently our first frame of reference when it comes to understanding child behavior. This tendency can be helpful when determining whether there is a problem that needs parental intervention. However, it becomes a slippery slope when we start comparing our children’s success against their siblings, friends, or societal standards. Every kid has their strengths and areas where they can use some support. Some students are artistically inclined while others are athletically gifted. Some can read for hours at a time and retain all that they read, while others must re-read a passage before it starts to register. Use context when assessing your child’s growth and success. Use their past performance as the measure by which you judge. They will appreciate it and they will feel understood.

6. Not Prioritizing Communication: by now, the power of communication between you and your children should be overwhelmingly clear. Lack of communication leads to incorrect assumptions, hurt feelings, missed chances to work issues out early on, and a lack of trust. Ask questions; don’t make assumptions. Talk about other topics besides school. Learn about what they are watching on YouTube or other streaming services. What stories are they following in the news, and how do they feel about them? Share your thoughts and feelings. Be clear with expectations-this pertains to yours as well as your children’s. Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Sometimes the best conversations take place in the wee hours of the night! Be available and be ready to listen.

7. Overemphasizing Grades and Achievements: we talked about comparing our children to others and that is a great segue for this topic. Success can be measured in many ways. If your child has struggled for weeks to get out of bed on time, and the past week she has been ready to go to school on time, this is success! If your teen has never been one to clean up after themselves and suddenly they are clearing the table, this is cause for celebration! If your painfully shy student has been afraid to meet with her teacher, but one day builds the courage to meet with him during lunch, this is a win! Be mindful of these success stories and acknowledge them accordingly. (Small suggestion: do not go over the top. A short comment about how proud you are will do the trick!)

8. Neglecting Self-Care: I have used this analogy multiple times when I am talking to parents. During the safety announcement on an airplane, the flight attendant tells parents they need to place their oxygen masks on before they place their child’s mask. You are no good to your children if you are passed out. This is true in life. If you are not looking out for your own wellbeing, you are no good to anyone in your home. Make sure you are getting enough rest, water, exercise, proper nutrition, and social time with your partner and peers. Address your own stressors in life, either with a trusted friend or family member, or a professional. If you aren’t looking out for Number 1, no one else will.

9. Not Encouraging Independence: all of us are guilty of the following: it’s late, and your child has had a long day at school and soccer practice. You made it clear that they need to pick up their toys before they go to bed. But he is beyond tired, and it’s just easier if you pick up after him so you do not have to engage in a battle. This is ok, every once-in-a-while. But the more often we do for our children, the less often they have the chance to build a sense of autonomy and independence. Management of homework, social obligations, household chores, etc are all important to a child’s growth. Accountability is the key to that success.

10. Ignoring the Importance of Extracurricular Activities: life is busy, super busy. This kid must be on the baseball field by 3pm. This kid must be in the dance studio by 3:45pm, and this one has an art lesson at 4pm…oh, did I mention this is all on the same afternoon?! Some parents avoid extra-curricular activities like the plague because it is just one more thing to do. While this is true, these activities are incredible opportunities for our kids to develop social skills, relieve their stress, build confidence, and discover new talents. Encourage your children to get involved in something. They do not need to be booked every hour of every day, in fact, unstructured time is equally important to the development of a well-rounded human being. Choose an activity or two that will allow your children to have something else to do besides schoolwork (or playing on their phones). Organize a carpool for the younger ones, and let your older kids drive themselves while you relax at home. Well-rounded children make for well-adjusted and productive adults!

Here’s the Thing: Parents are not perfect. We all make mistakes, and that’s what allows us to grow and become even better parents. It’s also what allows our children to recognize that we are human beings, just like them. These suggestions should help to offset some of the errors we might make, which in turn will enable us to build more meaningful relationships with our children.