ADHD and the Myth of Defiance: 11 Reasons Why Your Student Isn’t Defiant

AcademicAlly, LLC: March 1, 2024

Living with ADHD has its rewards and challenges. As an academic coach who has worked with neurodivergent students for over 25 years, I have come to appreciate the beauty that is the ADHD mind. These students have a unique perspective that simultaneously frustrates and fascinates their teachers and parents. Why is it so easy for a kid to sit for hours in front of a video game, but that same individual can’t bear to spend fifteen minutes doing his homework? Why does a teenager organize her clothes with tremendous attention to the detail of color, season, and occasion, but her backpack looks like a tornado ripped through it? Why can an athlete ask their coach for help with their ball handling, but asking their professor for clarification on an upcoming due date is daunting?

There is a misnomer that pursues ADHD students: they act (or don’t) out of defiance. While this may be true in some cases, my experience of working with hundreds of these students has shown that 90% of the time, these kids are making the choices they make in order to survive. Think about it: if you had to run a marathon on a given day, that would be a feat in and of itself. What would it be like for you to be required to run a half-marathon hours later? Pretty near impossible, right?! And yet, that’s what we ask our students to do on a regular basis: go to school for seven to eight hours, and then go home and attempt homework completion for another three or four hours. This rigorous schedule does not account for the extra-curricular activities or family obligations many of our students participate in as well. And for the ADHD mind, having to use that much mental energy is utterly and completely exhausting. 

With the pressure rising, they must figure out some strategy that will at once stave off the mounting workload, and simultaneously prevent them from getting into trouble with teachers and parents. Enter the fabrications and creative explanations for not doing the assignments. “Oh, the teacher said I could have an extension.” Or the popular “But I did submit it; there was a problem with the portal and the teacher is working on it.” I require all my students to share their usernames and passwords to their school portals so I can keep tabs on their academic progress. My favorite story is the explanation for why I can’t access the grades: “CANVAS is down, so grades can’t be accessed. The school knows about it and is working on it.” While these stories are a temporary stopgap, they are enough to bring much-needed relief from the pressure, stress, and subsequent anxiety that come from living with ADHD. In their minds, the pain and suffering they will endure if they attempt said work (and for many this is quite literal) far outweigh the risk involved with trying some new, untested approach to work completion.

People who do not have ADHD, and even those who do, don’t always understand the nuances of living with this neurodevelopmental disorder. Labeling an ADHD student as “defiant” is an oversimplification and completely negates the very real challenges that come with this disorder. There are legitimate reasons your student resorts to their deceptive and avoidant strategies. The following is a list of 11 challenges your student may face each day, and it is my hope that you will come to appreciate the ADHD mind replete with all of its challenges and all of its beauty. In doing so, you will be better able to support your students so they can meet their personal and academic potential.

Organizational skills–

For the ADHD kid, organization looks like herding a clowder (yes, that’s what a group of cats is called!) of wild cats. Backpacks and binders are just vessels in which to pour papers, remnants of lunch, and snacks. Many students feel it’s pointless to put laundry away because the clothing is just going to be worn again, and by leaving it on the chair or the floor, their favorite hoodie, t-shirt, or joggers is more easily accessible. I frequently joke that Eddie Murphy and Jerry Lewis would subscribe to these same strategies in The Nutty Professor.  The ADHD student frequently knows exactly where everything is in and amongst the piles of papers and clothing. The disorganization can also spill over into one’s work. The busy mind that accompanies ADHD frequently makes it difficult to organize thoughts and emotions. Attempting to write papers is an exercise in futility because landing on a focused moment long enough to access an idea and formulate a thought is an insurmountable challenge. 

Social implications–

The kid with ADHD does not always appreciate the implications of the things they say and do. Disrupting group conversations or blurting out inappropriate comments is a ticket to the doghouse in many social circles. It is frequently difficult for this student to consider someone else’s perspective or to control impulsive behavior, which often leads to public humiliation and social isolation from peers.

Controlling Impulsivity–

The ADHD mind is a highly-trafficked area. Thinking through the consequences of what one says or does is not in the bandwidth of this neurodivergent mind. Friends, peers, and teachers can grow frustrated with the student who calls out, playfully (but not so gently) punches someone in a state of excitement, or abruptly changes well-established social plans. To a child in these situations, nothing they say or do is right.

Planning and prioritization–

The formulation and execution of a plan in order to reach a goal is elusive for the student who has ADHD. All they can see is a bunch of unrelated steps that feel incredibly difficult to navigate. Similarly, being ready to walk out the door to go to school, practice, or science competition is a tall order because it requires the student to plan ahead, determining what materials, equipment, paperwork, and personal items need to be packed prior to leaving. Every departure from home is a vision of one-shoe-on-one-shoe-off, backpack or duffel bag bursting with items, and a child running toward the car with the hope that nothing falls out of the bag between the front door and the vehicle that awaits them. Multi-task long-term assignments are a nightmare to traverse, as the point of focus is all but absent, and the uncertainty of what needs to be accomplished is entirely out of reach.

Time management–

Time is like water between this child’s fingers. The ADHD student can sit down to start homework at 2:45pm, only to look up at 4pm to realize nothing has been accomplished. Where did that time go? Even more frustrating are the many projects and papers that are “suddenly due” despite having these assignments issued with plenty of notice three weeks prior to the deadlines. Suddenly, time is the enemy, and the kid is racing against it, hoping and praying she can stay awake long enough to render a satisfactory finished product.

Initiation of work–

So many students dread the homework process before it even begins. Visions of being chained to a table for hours at a time taunt them into believing they do not have the wherewithal to be productive on any given night. The very thought of sitting still is enough to stop even the most industrious students from initiating their work. Written assignments that are vague and lack structure are overwhelming, so students mentally quit before they even have the chance to get started. 

Motivation-

Many students don’t know what motivates them. They can’t tell if they are intrinsically driven by their own desire to test their academic brawn, or if extrinsic reward in the form of praise from others or the privilege of playing a video game upon completing their work is what drives them to succeed. Some students are motivated, but they get stuck if the task at hand is less than desirable. For most of these students, it’s not about intelligence-they know they are capable of success. They just can’t put together enough umph to see their work through to completion. It is this dissonance that torments these otherwise capable human beings, rendering them stuck and disappointed in themselves. 

Self-advocacy–

The ADHD mind does not always recognize when it needs help. The student blazes past all the signs-late or missing assignments, poor quiz scores, late arrivals to class, failure to understand material- until it is frequently too late. Alternatively, the student does know when she needs help, but is too proud or stubborn to seek it out because she does not want to humiliate herself in front of her peers or disappoint her teachers. The third scenario is one in which the child does know he needs help, but he does not understand what he does not know and he does not know who to ask or what to say. 

Self-monitoring and self-accountability–

That busy machine that is the ADHD brain does not always understand or value the importance of self-accountability. Establishing goals, identifying a plan of action, and monitoring progress are not on this student’s radar screen. So, he goes unchecked, and if he is lucky, everything works out. More often than not, there is an inevitable glitch, the wheels come off, and the assignment goes undone, or it is submitted with a substantial penalty for lateness. 

Flexibility–

Life is not always predictable, and we frequently have to pivot and adjust our course of action. This change of plans is not always easy for the ADHD mind, after all, it’s in a rhythm. The work is coming along nicely, but, wait for it…. There has been a complication and the student’s soccer schedule changed, such that there is a make-up game this week on account of the inclement weather last week. This means he will have one less day to complete his book talk. Time to switch gears and adjust with a plan B, but this is not an easy feat for many students with this learning profile, and the consequences can prove catastrophic. 

Working Memory–

Paying attention in class is an accomplishment in and of itself for the ADHD student. Taking in information and simultaneously writing it down is quite difficult. Working memory is often compromised for this learning profile. They can hear and see the highway of information that’s coming at them, but capturing it in a meaningful way and recording it on their laptops or in their notebook is extremely challenging. At some point the level of frustration is so great, the student gives up any attempts to keep up, leaving them left behind on the roadside of important facts. The ADHD mind poses very real challenges for its host. This is not to suggest that every student grapples with every issue we just visited, nor is that to say that there aren’t other related challenges that we did not discuss. The point is that juggling some or all of these balls every day is a tall order, so can you really blame the kid when he or she resorts to avoidant tactics? Here’s the thing: Your kid is not being defiant. If you can use this list as a tool to launch a conversation with your student about their personal experience with their ADHD, it might be enlightening for both parties. You may gain insight into what it’s like to walk a day in their shoes, and they in turn will see that you are genuinely interested. Together you can create a new narrative and a healthier way to interact with one another when it comes to the topic of living with ADHD.