Five Gifts that Come from the Power of Wonder
AcademicAlly, LLC: December 18, 2024
Snow, holiday joy, celebrations, gatherings with friends and family, gifts….these are the images so often associated with the holiday season. In recognition of the gift-giving frivolity, we decided to gift you with some of our most effective strategies. Wishing you and yours a meaningful, peaceful, and full holiday season.
You and your kid are having words over the topic of cleaning her bedroom. The nauseous pit that bubbles in your stomach every time you pass by her bedroom door is enough to make you gag. “How does she live like this??” you ask, dumbfounded. Whenever you have tried to engage in a discussion about it, not even asking her to do anything about it, fireworks fly in a more plentiful fashion than a Fourth of July grand finale.
“It’s not your room, Dad. I don’t need to clean it up because I know where everything is. It may not make sense to you, but it works for me.”
And so, the cycle continues. There’s not enough antacid to cure what ails your poor gi system. College may not be around the corner for her at the ripe age of thirteen, but you find yourself wondering how your kid will make it in the adult world when she finally does launch. And in the meantime, what, if any, social repercussions will there be for the war zone that has taken over her room?
OK, parents, so you have determined broaching the situation head-on is not getting anyone anywhere. So, what’s the best approach to this or any other topic you may encounter with your kids?
I wonder. What a brief but extremely powerful statement. Let’s discuss why.
Development of Empathy and Perspective: The statement, “I wonder” sparks curiosity for both parties. Let’s begin with you. This statement shows your child you are genuinely curious about the situation. What’s going on here? What are the real issues at hand? It opens the possibility for your child to share their thoughts about the conflict, giving you a glimpse into their perspective. What do they see as the challenges? What are their thoughts about the possible solutions? Even if the solution results in nothing changing at all, at least you gained insight into their thought process.
Using the room scenario as our example, maybe they really don’t like living among piles of clean laundry on the floor, food wrappers pouring over their trashcan, and the stench of we’re-not-sure-what permeating through the air. Whether it’s pride, feeling overwhelmed, or something else, coming to a conflict from a point of curiosity can empower both of you, enabling you to understand another perspective about the same situation. Perhaps with this appreciation, you can work together to arrive at a plausible solution.
Open Dialogue and Critical Thinking: No matter how old your child is, it is eye-opening to literally look at the world through your child’s eyes. “I wonder” promotes thoughtful discussion and allows your kid to express their views. There is plenty of fodder taking place in your child’s personal and global worlds to choose from. “I wonder what your thoughts are about….”
An event that happened at school.
A friend’s illness.
The teacher’s directions for a very detailed and long-term assignment.
The professor’s op-ed piece about a global event.
What a family member said over dinner last night.
The tv show you watched together.
An incident that took place somewhere in our country or abroad.
Inviting these types of conversations not only helps you the parent to better understand your child and how (s)he thinks, but it gives them the opportunity to develop and express their opinions, leading to their own self-awareness and sense of autonomy.
Emotional Connection: This little phrase can also be a gentle and non-threatening way to address potentially emotional topics. Your child may be facing and increase in demands at school or at work. “I wonder” can trigger an opportunity to process how they are feeling about the situation.
“I wonder what it’s been like for you to face these demands the past two weeks.”
“I wonder how you feel things are going this week.”
“I wonder if there is anything I can do to be helpful.”
These statements are not suggestive, not do they indicate any kind of secret agenda you might have. They are almost like open-ended questions, inviting the receiver to join in a conversation, if they so choose, and on their own terms. It also lets your child know you are there to listen and help if that is desired.
Decision-Making and Responsibility: This phrase promotes the development and utilization of decision-making and taking responsibility.
“I wonder how you plan to pack up your school and sports bags this week so you can get out of the house on time.”
“I wonder what your thoughts are about writing all of your thank you notes and the time frame you want to use to get them done.”
“I wonder what your plan is to study for your finals so you can go to your friend’s Sweet Sixteen party this weekend.”
“I wonder how you might plan to meet with your teacher to troubleshoot your grade in that class.”
Each of these questions alerts your child that you are aware of the circumstances they are facing, and that you are inviting them to make effective decisions and take responsibility for the task ahead of them.
Creativity and Future Planning: Adolescents and young adults can get overwhelmed with that time-honored question, “So what do you want to be when you grow up.” First of all, it’s not really a fair question to ask an individual who is just learning to identify the pools into which they want to dip their toes. There are so many opportunities to consider.
“I wonder where you see yourself in five years”
“I wonder what piques your curiosity.”
“I wonder what brings you joy.”
“I wonder what brings you a sense of fulfillment.”
“I wonder what pulls at your heartstrings.”
All these statements are wonderful ways to spark the thinking and reflection process. They can serve as the seeds for wonderful and exciting plans for the future, waiting for the farmer to nurture and grow until they come to some viable plans.
Here’s the thing: it’s hard to be a parent. The maze we traverse is constantly shifting: what was ok to do yesterday is flat out rejected today. What’s needed today will be different tomorrow. Coming to parenting from a point of wonder and curiosity takes the heat down a couple of notches. It creates a degree of comfort for the messenger as well as the receiver, empowering both sides to gain perspective and participate in meaningful conversation. In the end, both individuals come out on the other side having a better appreciation not only for other, but for themselves as well.g to actually completing it!