ADHD and the Trouble with Listening: 9 Attention-Grabbing Strategies to Improve Listening
AcademicAlly, LLC: March 7, 2024
Recently, I was speaking with the mother of an elementary-school-age child about his inability to listen. Her arms flailed in the air as she described her daily interactions with her son. “He just…does…not…LISTEN!” The exasperation dripped from every word as she went on to relay that every day after school was incredibly trying, not only for her and her partner, but their son as well. Miscommunications and misunderstandings were a partnered pair that frequently visited their home, and she tearfully declared how exhausting it was to try to communicate any form of information to this little boy. Whether it was a message about after-school activities, or a request to bring down his laundry, something was always left undone or forgotten, causing a metaphorical backup in their family’s lives.
This scenario plays out in ADHD homes across the country. An adult will relay information to the child who has ADHD, but the message does not get delivered. That busy mind and propensity for distraction naturally create synaptic gaps or traffic blockages that prevent our poor ADHD student from being able to hear and process the information transmitted to her. For example, Nicole and her mom are talking about what she needs to bring to her best friend’s house for the sleepover that night. Standing in front of her mother, Nicole outwardly seems attentive and present, able to process the list of belongings Nicole needs to pack. Unbeknownst to Mom, the little wheels in Nicole’s mind have diverted her attention to the popcorn snack mix the girls plan to make, and she just realized she is responsible for bringing the brown sugar and she forgot to ask her mom to buy these ingredients at the store earlier today. This brewing catastrophe is now front and center, and while Nicole is hearing what Mom is saying, she is definitely not processing and internalizing the information in such a way that she can successfully act on it. Mom smiles, and says, “Ok, you got all that?” And Nicole sheepishly smiles and says, “I’m sorry, Mom, can you repeat that? I was distracted while you were talking.” Taking a deep breath, Mom rattles off the list again, and Nicole manages to retain half of what she heard.
Many of our parents can relate to these anecdotes. We know it can be a maddening experience to communicate with your child. Here’s the thing: they are not trying to ignore what you are saying. You might be surprised to learn that the vast majority of students in these situations are doing quite the opposite. They are trying with all their might to listen to what you are telling them because they know the content of the communication is important, not only to you, but to them as well. But the ability to stay present long enough to absorb all that’s coming their way is seriously compromised in their busy busy ADHD minds. So how do we facilitate change? How do we empower our children to become effective listeners? Here are ten strategies that will boost your child’s attention. While your children may not hang on your every word, riveted by all you have to say, at least they will hear what you have to say and become solid listeners:
Listen to yourself:
I frequently coach my students to keep their cool when they try to communicate with you. They cannot come in running hot, screaming at the top of their lungs to get their point across. The second they raise their voices, their message is lost. The same can be said about a parent’s presentation. Calm heads must rule at all times. Once you start to yell, you will lose your child’s attention. Your tone and the choice of words are equally important. Drop the sarcasm- it’s a terrific tool to help you cope with the stress of a given situation, but it can be off-putting and hurtful to your audience. Maintain an even and solicitous tone. Choose to engage with questions as opposed to statements. Instead of saying, “You are acting like you don’t care about your grades,” which sounds accusatory, ask instead, “Do you care about how you are doing in your classes?” The latter emulates curiosity and invites an opportunity for conversation. This approach puts your student at ease and demonstrates your genuine interest in his or her opinion. The more relaxed and unguarded your child is, the more he will feel safe enough to focus on what you are saying.
Watch your body language:
Have you ever tried to talk with your child when err hands are on her hips, or her arms are crossed in front of her? These are defensive and seemingly threatening stances. You probably don’t feel comfortable engaging with your child in these moments because her body language tells you everything you need to know-they are ready to defend and ready to fight. You send out messages with your body language as well. Arms at your side with an open stance shows you are relaxed and interested in engaging with your audience. This stance can and will put your child at ease, allowing her to feel comfortable enough to engage in a conversation with you.
Make eye contact:
You know what it feels like to try and discuss something with your child and his eyes are everywhere but firmly focused on you. You’re left to wonder whether he is listening or has managed to slide into another deep and fascinating rabbit hole. Having someone’s eyes meet yours helps to ground both participants in the conversation because no one is left wondering whether their partner in the discussion is anywhere other than right there in that moment. If your child knows he or she has your attention, they take comfort in this and will more likely be able to stay with you until the conversation ends.
Keep it short:
Even in the absence of attentional difficulties, keeping communication concise and to the point is the best way to ensure your audience stays focused. Long declarations and multiple examples tend to detract from the speaker’s purpose and ultimately lead to a loss of attention. Make it simple: “We are leaving at 4:30pm for the game. Please have your backpack ready with your snacks, water bottle, cleats, and jersey when we walk out the door.” Be sure to ask your child if she has any questions. When discussing a problem, try to keep the conversation to 5 minutes or less. This will require you to think about your message ahead of time and determine how you want to deliver it in a streamlined fashion. If you need to go for a longer stretch, watch your child’s body language. You may need to come back to the conversation at a later time, allowing for breaks as needed.
Check for understanding:
One of the best ways you can ensure your child understands what you said is by asking him to share his takeaways from the conversation. What is he expected to do? How is he supposed to accomplish this, and by when should it be done? If he misses key information, don’t reprimand him. Instead, restate the information in a different way.
Allow for feedback:
No communication loop is complete without feedback from the recipient. Make sure you give your child the chance to share her thoughts about what was discussed. This helps her to feel validated and heard. Such validation will go a long way to her willingness to engage in similar conversations in the future.
Touchstones:
The use of touch can be a powerful way to maintain grounding and focus. When your child starts to wiggle, a gentle hand on the shoulder or holding his hand as you speak is a great way to let your child know you are there with him. This physical contact helps to snap his attention back to the conversation at hand whenever his focus begins to wane.
Write it down:
Sometimes verbal repetition is not enough to reinforce the information that’s being shared. Having your child take notes, either in her phone or in a notebook can help them capture the information so they can reference it at a later time. Apps like One Note, and Remember the Milk are great landing sites for this purpose. Pictures are also helpful tools. If your child is a visual learner and a creative one at that, have her draw what was discussed. If there are three tasks they need to do, she can draw a map of the trail she is supposed to follow with stops along the way, making a symbol for each task. As each assignment is completed, she can check it off.
Reminders:
Have your child put reminders in his phone for doctor’s appointments, errands he needs to run, conversations he needs to have with his teachers, athletic games, etc.
These simple suggestions are game changers. They will empower your children to become active listeners, increasing the likelihood of your child’s focus and decreasing the chances you will become frustrated as you speak!